Put another dime in the jukebox, baby
Also, the iTunes Music Store now features some collaborative filtering (recommendations based on your past purchases) - about which, more someday. Suffice it to say that I've been hoping for that.
The other piece of old news is that iTunes now has a preference which will let you make your random shuffle "more random" by preventing songs or albums or artists from repeating too soon. This amuses me, because "more random", of course, mathematically means "less random, more controlled". Reacting to the perception of randomness has made some people in Nevada very, very rich. Of course, it also amuses me because I've been imposing my preferences through a Smart Playlist (only play things I haven't played this month) for years now, so I don't see what the big deal is.
And now, on to The Oracle of iTunes.
1. What do you think of me, oh mystical iTunes?
Face it, you're a minor character. But a plucky one. And maybe, in the movie, a diva will promote you.
"Another Suitcase in Another Hall" - The Chasers
(Or, you know, write me out entirely, depending on whether I'm the singer or the song.)
2. Will I have a happy life?
Maybe, once you get out of rehab.
"White Light/White Heat" - The Velvet Underground
3. What do my friends really think of me?
If you did half the things you talk about, you'd be dangerous.
"Yesterday's Fools" - John McCutcheon
4. What does my S.O. think of me?
You make a good cup of coffee.
"Brand New Day" - The Chasers
5. Do people secretly lust after me?
Nope. If someone's mad about you, you're mad about them too. Is that an e-lec-trical banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
"Mellow Yellow" - Vinx with Stewart Copeland
6. How can I make myself happy?
Take more risks. If they don't work out, dance.
"Heartbreak" - Vinx
7. What should I do with my life?
"I Want To Hold Your Hand" - The Beatles.
8. Why must life be so full of pain?
Karl, the world isn't fair; it isn't and never will be.
They tried out your plan, it brought misery instead.
If you'd seen how it worked you'd be glad you were dead.
"The World Isn't Fair" - Randy Newman.
9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
"Under a bucket" - The Patsies
10. Can you give me some advice?
Learn to play the vibraphone.
"Nature Boy" - Modern Jazz Quartet
11. What do you think happiness is?
"Up the Ladder" - The Chasers, yet again.
12. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?
Shut up and move on.
"Walk On By" - Cyndi Lauper.
13. Will I die happy?
No. Not you, or your victims. In fact, nobody's really clear on why you're not going to Hell. But you're not. So you got that going for you. Which is nice.
"Bless the Children of the World" - Randy Newman's Faust
Bonus #14: if the next song is about what's going to happen, what is it?
The Germans are coming! The Germans are coming!
"Der Schwarze Mond" - Chamber Singers