Here she comes
The Mrs. America Pageant Costume Competition.
It's hard for me to embellish the strange blend of tackiness and state pride that shows up on this runway, so we'll just start with the fact that Mrs. Georgia came out carrying a big cracked egg, which split open to reveal her yellow feathered bikini. Georgia, apparently, is America's leader in poultry production.
Two blond women dressed as Indians. Did you know the Native Americans invented the Bedazzler?
A skier and a "blues musician" who just weren't trying very hard.
Mrs. Missouri, dressed as a straight flush, saluting the "gambling tradition of America's heartland." Shhhh, don't tell the Moral Majority.
A Norse goddess and a Greek goddess. Seriously, don't tell Falwell.
Two college football players, also not trying hard.
A butterfly, a bee, two birds, and two angels. Red Bull gives you wings.
Mrs. Iowa, dressed as corn. Again.
Mrs. Kansas, dressed as wheat. Again.
Dressed in all white: Mrs. Montana, as clouds. Mrs. Vermont, as snow. Mrs. Wyoming, as snow. Mrs. Wisconsin, as milk.
Mrs. Pennsylvania, supposedly dressed as a coal mine, but a big black cape makes you look like Vampirella.
Mrs. Virginia seems to think there's camoflage and sequins in the Army dress uniform. Apparently we're at war with the Village People.
Mrs. Maine, in a brown bathing suit with moose antlers on her head.
I swear, I am not making this up.
So, if any of my married readers want to pursue their dream, just remember: it's about the camp factor. Don't go trotting out something you'd wear to a Halloween party that you're not really psyched for. You can go the homemade craftsy way, if you want to make yourself a decorated poncho. At least we'll know your heart's in it. Feathers good. Capes good. But if you can come up with headgear somewhere between 1/4th and 1/3rd your own hight, well, you just might make it after all.