Give it back, you name-stealing bastard!
(As a side note, it frustrates me greatly when an information system, like those airline checkin kiosks, don't actually give information. But then, I'm not sure I'd be happy with a message that said "please hold still while we decide if you're a wanted terrorist" either.)
So, in the interest of the national security and my own desires, let me say this:
Turn yourself in.
Look, I don’t know what you did. Frankly, I don’t much care. But we have a very common name, and you have to figure you’re screwing up an awful lot of people’s travel plans here. Pay your damn child support. Stop running from whatever that outstanding warrant is. Seems unlikely you’re an Islamic fundamentalist, but if you are, check your Koran and give up the way of the gun. Let’s be honest about this: at least if you get a lawyer and surrender, there are rules about what they can do to you. God only knows what Ashcroft can do if he catches you in a dark alley.
Genuine Marvel-edition No-Prize for any joke about this I haven’t already heard. Nope, I've heard that one. That one too. Told that one to the woman at the ticket counter... she didn't find it funny.